We’re in quarantine, along with the rest of the world, during the COVID-19 global pandemic. I have gallstones and can’t eat anything with any fat, or I’ll have a gallbladder attack–which seriously, in case I forget in the future, is worse than childbirth. It feels like something has opened up inside me and someone is using that opening to scoop out all of my insides with a toy shovel. It’s not great.
Anyway, I’m also super duper fat and very tired of it, so I’m starting this weight loss program called Optavia. They send you a bunch of weird little packets of dried, powdered food, and you’re supposed to eat one of them every 2-3 hours. You do that 5x a day, and then you make one meal–they call it a lean and green meal. It’s basically a lot of protein and even more vegetables (but none of the good ones–potatoes, carrots, corn, onion–those are all too high in carbs). You also get an optional snack, and all of the options are pretty hilarious: 10 almonds, a single sugar free popsicle or jello, TWO dill pickle spears (although my coach encouraged me to eat the whole dang pickle hahahahaha). My favorite is the condiment section. You can spice up your lean and green with 1/2 teaspoon of dried herbs or 1/2 teaspoon of barbecue sauce. Half a teaspoon!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA what are you going to do with 1/2 a teaspoon of barbecue sauce on your like, 7 ounces of chicken breast?? This is just the idea of barbecue sauce without any of the taste.
Ok, I’m going to write down what I eat and what I think of it.
1st Fueling: Chocolate Shake
Ok, yes. They call them “fuelings.” I think that this is to try to make you think of food as fuel for your body instead of something you enjoy. I mixed this shake powder with water, since the other option is unsweetened almond milk, and we all know that tastes like water filtered through wet cardboard. I put some ice in it after shaking it up. Not bad! Pretty good, even.
2nd Fueling: Double Peanut Butter Crisp Bar
This one tastes a bit like metal. It’s not terrible–I mean, you know. Food probably shouldn’t taste like metal, but it tastes like peanut butter, too. The added vitamins and minerals that are supposed to make this thing nutritionally the same as the pasta dish I’m supposed to eat later definitely taste like metal.
3rd Fueling: Rustic Tomato Herb Penne
Ok, first of all, I am very hungry. It was a mistake to have a shake and then a bar. I had to cook food for the kids’ lunch before I could make mine, and it was hard. I texted my husband to tell him how hungry I was. It was dramatic. Full caps lock. “45 MINUTES BEFORE I CAN HAVE MY NEXT THREE BITES OF FOOD.” Second, this things takes like ten minutes to cook in the microwave. You cook it and sir it and let it sit and cook it some more and stir it some more and let it sit some more. Oh my gosh. Also, there are like 7 noodles in it. Hahahahahaha. Oh man. I put a tiny sprinkle of cheddar cheese on it, because it did not look tasty, and I really needed to be able to eat it. It was a little bland, but all in all, it tasted much better than it looked and was totally decent. I think that in a few weeks, when I’ve forgotten what real food tastes like, this one will likely taste pretty good to me.
I was still hungry after eating it, though, and when my 4 year old busted in on one of my 17 trips to the bathroom to pee (you have to drink so much water on this program) carrying a bag of shelled pistachios she’d found in the pantry, I took it as a sign from God and ate 20 pistachios.
4th Fueling: Buttermilk Cheddar Herb Biscuit with Rosemary and Thyme
I made this one in the little waffle maker that I was advised to buy and spread a wedge of laughing cow cheese on it, per the recommendations of people in this facebook group I’m in. They’ve written comments like “so good” and “I love this one” and “yummy,” which was very deceptive, and has led me to believe that these people have never had a good biscuit. Maybe they’re from places that don’t eat a lot of biscuits–North Dakota? Minnesota? I don’t know. The point is, this one was not great. I think it’s the herbs in it that make it so weird. It was totally edible, but that’s the best I can say for it. I’ll eat the rest of them in the box (that’s 6 more sad waffle biscuits), but I probably won’t order them again.
Lean and Green: fake spaghetti
I made some zucchini noodles, cooked them in a skillet with 1/2 T of butter for my healthy fat, and then ate it with some browned ground turkey breast, marinara, and parmesan. I didn’t have 7 ounces of turkey, so I got to use a little more parmesan than I would have otherwise. Parmesan party! I used 3/4 cups of marinara, which was too much–I thought 1/2 cup was one green, but it’s 1/4 cup. So. Whoops. I had a little more zucchini than what counted as 1 green also. Oh well, I’m really not concerned with having too many vegetables on a program that puts your calorie intake at below 1000 a day. My dinner was delicious. I already knew this was a tasty meal, and I’m glad to have it in my repertoire. There was much more meat than zoodles, but that was just fine.
5th Fueling: Zesty Cheddar and Italian Herb Crunchers
I saved these to eat after the kids were asleep, and Derek and I were watching TV or playing games. I am so tired. Probably because I’ve had hardly any calories today. These crunchers are a little bit weird, but kind of good. Kind of. I think it’s the herb flavoring again that I’m not really loving. The thing I did really like is that there were a lot of them, and it totally satisfied my desire to munch in the evening and lasted a long time. I’d like to try some of the other cruncher flavors.
Day one done.